Rena's Harem
by Gabriel Ice
Summary: [Chapter 7 added] Rena has second thoughts about settling down with Dias. After all, doesn't she also love Claude? And Bowman, and Ashton, and... [Note: The author does not condone polygamy.]
1. Prologue

Chapter 1 – Prologue

Eager to get to the county clerk's office, Rena Lanford slipped through the nearly empty early morning streets of Cross Town with purpose in her stride. She had been waiting months for all the right paperwork to arrive in the mail, and now, with every form filled out and every signature dutifully applied, she could deliver the papers to the bureaucrat who would finally officially name her Mrs. Dias Flac. Finally, her legal name would match the one carved into the ring she wore on her left hand. Finally, she could complete the romance begun when Dias gave her the garland of daisies when the two of them were kids.

Rena had never felt happier, and for the first time in ages, her head felt clear. Only one man's image danced around in her imagination. Only one man demanded her focus and her passion and whatnot. She could forget Claude Kenni. She could forget Ashton Anchors. She could forget Ernest Raviede, Bowman Jean, and Leon Geeste. She could forget Celine Jules. She could even forget that smelly guy with the cat ears. Actually, she forgot him as soon as she was able to dump his flea-ridden hide off in the forest behind Mars Village. What a waste of space he was! And of course, on top of her traveling companions, Rena had to deal with Alen, Yul, Chris, and a whole host of other men who just refused to depart from her hormone-addled imagination. Why, Rena wondered, did she have to fall in love with every male she met (and Celine)?

But with the marriage license she would be picking up in a matter of minutes, she would be, at long last, firm within the bonds of monogamy. Rena imagined herself as the girl from a John Nash anecdotal illustration. Before, she had a whole host of men surrounding her, some of them even fighting over her, and they all sort of cancelled each other out, leaving her high and dry. With Dias, she might not have the same luxurious quantity of lovers and potential lovers, but she had more quality in her newfound security. She actually had someone she could call her own, even if he was a little on the quiet side, had the personality of a wet piece of cardboard, and dressed like something out of _The Mikado_. One of the girl characters in _The Mikado_. And he was more than a little dumb, and he had some sort of obsession with blood and guts and gore. Dias's best-selling novel, _The Bloody Road_, was definitely a niche product, appealing mostly to postpubescent boys with a thirst for realistic violence and a semiautobiographical tone.

She loved the guy, though. She always had. For a while, though, she had hated herself for loving all those other guys along with him. Why couldn't Dias be the only man in the universe, and why did she ever have to meet Claude? Ignoring the fact that without her meeting Claude, the Ten Wise Men would have destroyed the universe, leaving _no_ men left anywhere, Rena still resented having given a portion of her heart away to someone other than her one true love. Sure, Claude was nice and honest at times, and he looked downright tortured whenever she thrown Dias in his face for almost no reason other than to try to make him jealous. And yes, she probably deserved to suffer a little after she led him on while hiding her affection for Dias deep down. But still, Claude caused her pain, even if that pain stemmed from her own irresponsibility.

The thought of her straying from the straight and narrow path of fidelity flitted through Rena's head for a second. If she had so easily tossed Dias aside before, or at least ignored him while she built up a romance with Claude, who was to say she wouldn't do it again with someone else? Goodness knows only circumstance prevented her from having at least seven or eight different boyfriends during her journey to stop the Ten Wise Men, and how much longer could she rely on that? Perhaps she would just have to learn a little discipline and self control.

Self control turned out to be one of the most important virtues Rena could conjure up when she finally reached the front door to the county clerk's office. Inside, the line to get anything done was already at least twenty people long, and it took Rena a moment just to find the end. Biting her lip out of frustration, she plodded over to the back and pulled a manila folder out of her purse. Inside the folder were Rena's marriage license documents; she leafed through them one final time to make sure everything was in order.

Almost an hour later, Rena finally found herself face to face with the clerk. A twinge of nervousness passed through her as she handed him her paperwork. It didn't go away while he thumbed through everything to make sure everything was there. It only got worse when he gave her another sheet of paper to sign.

"This signifies that everything is in order," he said to her. "Just sign here and here."

"What's this one for?" Rena asked, pointing at one of the signature blanks.

"That's so we know you really mean to take on a second husband."

"Oh," Rena said, and she reached for the ballpoint pen chained to the desk. Then: "Wait, _second_ husband?"

"Correct, ma'am," said the clerk. "You are on record as being married to a Mr. Alen Tax of Salva."

"Since when?"

"He came up to file the paperwork a while back," said the clerk. "Strange fellow. Seemed pretty obsessed with you, but he had your signature."

"Are you sure it wasn't forged?" It took all of Rena's strength to remain calm.

"Absolutely." The clerk nodded his head.

_I must have signed it while under his spell_, thought Rena.

"So I need some divorce papers before this wedding can go through properly?"

"No," said the clerk, "you don't. As I mentioned, you just need to sign here to take on your second husband. Expellian law permits you up to twelve, by order of King Chris and Queen Celine. New law, you know."

_Celine made a law like that?_ Rena sniffed.

"Okay, I'll deal with the divorce later. Is there anything else for me to sign?"

"That'll be all, Mrs. Lanford-Tax-Flac."

"Good. And it's just Lanford. Ms. Lanford."

"Oops," fumbled the clerk. "I guess I should have paid closer attention. You know how it is, working in an office all the time. Every day, same thing."

"Actually," said Rena, "my life has seen more than its share of excitement."

"Good for you." The clerk waved her away. "Next, please."

_Excitement_, thought Rena, _and romance. And why shouldn't it have a bit more of both? Why should I divorce Alen at all?_

Suddenly, for Rena, marriage became less a matter of settling and more a new adventure; less a matter of monogamy, and more a matter of living out every fantasy she had entertained throughout her trek to save the universe; less a matter of relaxing and more a matter of scheming. Claude, Ashton, Bowman, all of them—she could have each and every man she wanted. Rena's potential for happiness had increased tenfold in the span of an hour.

Forgetting that she was in a crowded room, Rena let out a gleeful cackle and a triumphant shout. "I shall have a harem!"


	2. Love at First Crash Site

Chapter 2 – Love at First Crash Site

Rena loved the Shingo Forest. Who could blame her? Whenever she sat in her favorite little clearing, she could practically hear a strain of calming music playing in the background as she watched the sunlight maneuver through the overhead foliage, the birds flapping across a sky blue with hope, and the odd large hairy mammal preying on any stupidly brave, nonhiding rodents. Though the larger species native to the forest were normally agreeable and relatively harmless to humans, an incident involving one under the influence of the Sorcery Globe had been the catalyst for one of Rena's other favorite moments in the Shingo Forest: her first meeting with Claude Kenni.

On that day, she had found herself under attack from one of the larger and, she remembered later, smellier denizens of the woods. Just when she was ready to give up the ghost, though, a dashing hero, whom she would later dub the Warrior of Light, drove the beast off with his pocket phase gun. Just thinking about it made her heart beat like a big brass drum. Not even the fact that Opera Vectra later managed to crash her starship, rather messily, into the same forest could ruin the nostalgic value of the scenery for her.

And that was why she had brought Claude back to the place. That was why she felt it was the best place to make her proposal.

"Claude?" Rena spoke in the most alluring tone she could muster. She tried to heighten the effect by batting her eyelashes a few times.

"Yes, Rena?"

"I just wanted to say that I'm glad I met you." Building up the tension, of course.

"And you wanted to bring me here, to where we first saw each other, to make it even more special?"

"Of course," said Rena. "If it weren't for you, I'd be dead now. Trillions of others, too. You're a hero."

Claude blushed. "You did just as much to help stop Indalecio. You're the one who stopped his Crest of Annihilation."

"I know that," said Rena, "but you really did more than your share. In fact, I think it should be obvious why I fell for you."

"But I lost the duel," said Claude, his voice sounding a little dejected at the reminder.

"Dias cheated," said Rena. "I didn't realize it at first, but when I stopped to think, I noticed that he broke the rules. That's why he won."

"How can anyone possibly cheat in a battle like that?"

"He began before the start signal. He never should have been the one to win my hand. It should have been you."

"Why are you telling me this?" Claude hung his head. "Are you just trying to make me feel bad?"

"Not at all!"

"Then why say you love me after you already married Dias?"

"I didn't marry him," said Rena. She paused for a moment before continuing. "I broke off our engagement when I found out he cheated."

A drop of sweat formed on Rena's forehead when she realized that she might have paused for too long. She wanted the proper dramatic effect, but she didn't want to look suspicious. Claude couldn't know exactly what was going on until she got her contract in ink and sealed with a No Divorce clause. Expellian law was funny that was.

"You came back… for me?" Claude sounded confused.

"Yes, I did," said Rena. "You knew we'd be together from the first moment we met, didn't you?"

"Honestly, no," said Claude. "I mean, the way you kept mentioning Dias, I felt quite a bit like a third wheel."

"Never mind that," said Rena. "You won. Dias lost. Now all that's left is for us to fill out the proper paperwork and then start our new life. Together."

"Claude and Rena Kenni," Claude whispered. "I like that."

"I'm keeping my last name," said Rena. _I don't want to turn into Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Jean-Geeste-Anchors-Jules-Cross-Chandler—what was Yul's last name? Wait, Chandler? I hate Noel. And when did I fall in love with Celine?_

"Okay, sure," said Claude. "I have no problem with that, unless you're just using it as a ruse to appear single so you can date other guys."

"Why would I want to date other guys?" said Rena.

"I was just joking," said Claude. "Just a joke."

"Oh," said Rena. "Yeah, it is kind of funny, the way you say that."

"I'm a funny man," said Claude.

_Joke's on you, Claude, my sweet._

"I have the papers all here," said Rena. "Right inside my bag. I just need your signature on a few of them, and then I'll take them to Cross to get them filed. In the meantime, I'll be thinking of where we're going to live."

"I was hoping we would live back on Earth," said Claude. "I have my career to think about."

"Could you please put your career on hold?" said Rena. "Surely you can do that for someone as cute as I am, can't you?"

"Uh, I guess," said Claude. "Only for you."

"Great," said Rena. "Shall we, then?"

"Yes, hand me the papers, my Dear Rena."

Claude took from Rena a pen and a couple of legal forms, with the signature blanks already outlined in red marker. "You've really thought of everything, haven't you?"

"Not yet," said Rena.

"By the way," said Claude.

"What?"

"I never did tell you when we first met, but you look absolutely gorgeous in this light."

Rena smiled. Rena smiled a smile that meant much more than Claude knew.


	3. Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Her

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Her

Ernest Raviede's office needed to be dusted in the worst way. Rena could only guess that he found himself more at home when surrounded by signs of civilization ravaged by time, and months without dusting certainly achieved the same sort of aesthetic effect. Did he even use the textbooks on his shelf?

_At least the place isn't too messy,_ Rena though as she made her way in for her appointment with the professor. _No booby traps, either. I would have thought he would have installed something like that to keep Opera away._

"Rena, my dear!" Ernest greeted her. "You made it on time. Oh, and you brought paperwork."

"I did," said Rena. "I have lots I've been wanting to talk to you about."

"Fire away, little missy," said Ernest. "I haven't seen much of you since settling in at Linga University."

"I've been busy," said Rena. "Very busy."

"Doing what?"

Rena looked Ernest straight in the eye. "Thinking, mostly."

"About anything in particular?" Ernest cocked his head to one side.

"About you," said Rena.

"Me?"

"You," said Rena. "You poor thing."

"I've got a great job and a happy life," said Ernest. "What's this about poor?"

"You never really got free of that tramp."

"Who?" Ernest gave a blank look, but Rena knew he was acting. Her demeanor grew deadly serious.

"You know exactly whom I mean," she said. "The tramp."

"You don't mean…"

"I do. Opera."

"Why call her that, though?"

"She hasn't left you alone for a minute since you left Tetragenesis, has she? She followed you across the stars just to satisfy her obsessive crush. And now, she's even dragged her sister into it."

Ernest blinked. "Close the door, Rena."

Rena did, and she resumed. "Opal is just as bad, isn't she?"

"Worse."

"I can help."

Ernest's eyes widened slightly. "Help? How?"

"I can make them go away."

"And how is that? Short of killing them, I mean."

"It's a secret," said Rena, winking at him. "I don't wish to take any chances on them listening in on our little talk here, so I won't go into details. However, I do wish to help you out. Call it a business opportunity."

"Business opportunity? Like, the assassin business?"

"Romantic business, really," said Rena. "I have to confess that."  
"I'm confused."

"I've been smitten with you from the first moment I saw you. You're just so… manly. You're everything Claude isn't. You're nicer than Dias, too. You're just the man I've been looking for. I'm sure you'll take good care of me, too."

"I do like you, you know. Just as a friend, but still…"

"You love me without knowing it," Rena declared. "I know this for a fact. That's why I'll help you get rid of the Vectra sisters if you'll agree to marry me."

"Marry you? I'm sorry, Rena, but I'm not sure I can do that at this time."

Rena clutched her hands over her heart. "You wound me, Ernest. You do. But still, out of my love for you, I'm willing to make you an offer that does not involve either of us in a wedding. Just sign this paper here, where I put the red circle, and I'll be bound to help you get rid of your problem."

"If it's just a favor between friends, why the legal hoops?" Ernest shook his head.

"Just a precaution, Ernie," said Rena. "Just to be safe. It's just something that will make my job easier."

"If you say so," said Ernest. "Mind if I read it first, though?"

Rena's heart skipped a beat. "Uh, I'd rather expedite this process as best I can. Time is money, you know. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese. Gotta hurry."

"Okay, okay," Ernest chuckled. "Just give it to me, and I'll let you go. I have plenty of other work to do today, anyway."

"Thanks," said Rena.

"No," said Ernest, "thank you. You're improving my life tenfold by ridding it of obnoxious, obsessive little brats."

"No problem," said Rena, taking back her papers. "I'll just be on my way now."

"Thanks again for sticking your neck out for me. I don't know how you'll get away with this, but I suppose next time I hear about Opera and Opal, it'll be in the newspaper."

"Do you read the obituaries, Ernie?" asked Rena.

Ernest answered with a sly smile.  
"See you when I'm done," said Rena. On her way out, she blew Ernest a goodbye kiss, and he blushed.

_Sucker_, Rena thought.

XXX

"I could have sworn you hated me," said Opera. "You were always worried I was, ahem, coming on to Claude."

"Bygones," said Rena. "Let's raise our glasses to a new era of friendship between two young women who are no longer romantic rivals."

"Cheers to that," said Opera. "Mmm. What is this?"

"It's wine," said Rena.

"I know that. What kind?"

"A new kind."

"Care to say what?"

"Not until you read what Ernest signed."

"My dear Ernie?" Opera raised her head and leaned across the table.

"You might have said that," said Rena.

"Might _have_?"

"He signed our marriage license right here," said Rena. "I guess I really did beat you to both men."

"You what?" Opera's face lit up.

"You heard me," said Rena. "And I just wanted to show it to you before you died."

"Before… what?" Opera snickered. "I hold my wine better than that. What, you think I'm going to drink myself to death or something?" She hiccupped.

"On mandrake wine, yes."

And with a thud, Opera collapsed on the table in front of her.

"That's four down," said Rena. "Ah, does it feel go to be loved! Opal, you can come out now!"

Rena waited a minute for a reply from the closet where Opal hid before continuing, "Oh, wait, you can't come out. Never mind."

And with that, Rena dragged the newer corpse to the closet, threw it in with the body of its younger sister, closed the door, and walked away, whistling. 


	4. Killing Her Softly with Her Saw

Chapter 4 – Killing Her Softly with Her Saw

Rena lay stretched out in a lawn chair in Arlia, thinking.

_Ashton will be trouble_, Rena thought. _He's only got three thoughts in his head, and two of them are about barrels. The third: Precis F. Neumann._

"How is construction going?" Rena shouted at a group of men moving piles of lumber over to a plot of land next to the Shingo Forest. "When can I expect my house to be finished?"

"Yours were awfully complicated blueprints, Madam," said the Foreman. "This'll probably take several weeks."

Rena sighed. "Fair enough. Just get it done, and get it done right. I'm not paying you to mess up."

"Right, Madam," said the Foreman.

Rena stretched her arms about her head, yawned, and then took a sip from her drink. _That's plenty of time, but I still need a plan. How can I get Precis out of the picture and not have Ashton look at me like I'm a murderer?_

Some shouting from the construction site interrupted her thoughts. "Look out!" came the Foreman's voice. "It's going to collapse!"

About five men darted away from a stack of boards inadequately nailed together before they crashed to the dirt, throwing up a cloud of dust. The noise spooked a couple of the smaller construction workers. The Foreman, enraged, spooked them further by dashing about, shouting up a storm and cursing at those who might have been responsible for the accident.

_Ah, pandemonium_, Rena thought. She took another drink, smiled evilly, and drifted off for a nap.

XXX

A short journey later, Rena knocked on the door to the house Precis and Ashton shared in Linga. Precis answered.

"Rena!" she said. "I haven't seen you in so long. Why didn't you come to visit me last time you were in town?"

"I had other business," said Rena. "Couldn't be helped."

"You're so selfish sometimes," said Precis. "But you're here now, and that's what counts. Want some toast?"

"Sure," said Rena. "I love toast. Tea, too?"

"Coming right up," said Precis.

While Precis prepared her snack in the kitchen, Rena looked around the living room for something—anything—that might prove useful in her mission, but nothing fit the bill.

_Rats_, she thought. _With all the garbage the little brat keeps strewn about her house, you'd think there'd be at least something mildly useful. But no. It's all just… garbage!_

"What would you like on your toast, Rena?" Precis shouted from the kitchen.

"Whatever," said Rena. "I don't really care."

"You sure?" said Precis.

_Maybe not_, Rena thought. _Hey! What about some jam?_

"I'll have mine plain," said Rena. "Please."

"Plain?" said Precis. "That's pretty boring."

"I said plain," said Rena.

"Okay," said Precis. "One plain toast, coming right up!"

Precis returned carrying two plates of toast and two cups of tea on a restaurant tray, along with a jar of strawberry jam. She set the tray down on the coffee table and got her spreading knife ready.

"That jam looks pretty good," said Rena.

"I asked if you wanted something on your toast, and you said no," said Precis.

"You know," said Rena, "I think I've changed my mind. I'll just be heading over into the kitchen to get my own jam. No need to put you through any extra work."

"You're always so thoughtful, Rena!" said Precis.

As Rena walked to the kitchen, she glanced into every side room she came across. _Her workshop has to be around here somewhere_, she thought. _Ah, there it is!_ _Now, next step, the kitchen!_

Precis's kitchen was about as messy as one would expect, given its owner's bent for pushing the limits of homemade engineering projects to the point where they exploded fairly regularly. The place was high tech by the standards of Expel, but all of Precis's brilliantly invented appliances had a dreadful Rube Goldberg vibe about them, and the machine parts scattered all over the floor didn't help things any. A mechanized can opener near the (sometimes) working refrigerator consisted of a metal arm with a spinning hand on the end. A toaster looked suspiciously like a modified version of one of Precis's Bobot machines. The garbage disposal and wastebasket were voice activated.

The whole scene awed Rena enough that she paused to admire Precis's handiwork for a minute before opening up the fridge. Once she got on with her task, though, she found herself nearly drowning in a sea of spreadable sauce options. Turnip jams, blueberry jams, orange jams, mint jams, cheese jams, carrot jams, cinnamon jams, sugar jams, lemon jams, pineapple jams, and even rabbit-flavored jams stared out at her from the front row of the fridge's shelves. Precis loved her toast and jam, apparently.

Rena had to search the second row to find what she wanted: Yuki's Habanero Pepper Jam. Rena snatched it up, closed the door, and dashed off to the living room to meet Precis.

"I hope you don't mind, Rena," said Precis, "but I ate your toast while you were gone. I just couldn't help myself!"

"You… ate it?" Rena said, incredulous. "You ate my jam?"

"Hey, it's my house!" said Precis. "You should be happy I'm sharing with you at all. Though I guess I am the host, so I should be polite enough to go make you some more."

"I'd appreciate that," said Rena.

_What a flake!_ Rena dipped her finger in the open jar of non-spicy jam on the table, licked it, and savored the sweet taste of her upcoming victory. _How did she ever win Ashton over in the first place?_

As soon as Precis left for the kitchen again, Rena unscrewed the lid from the Pepper Jam and dumped a pool of it on one of the used serving plates. She then took the plate with the jam with her as she sneaked off to Precis's workshop. Inside was most of Precis's heavy machinery, including a giant buzz saw used for cutting up lumber.

_Perfect_, Rena thought. _Absolutely perfect_.

She waited just inside the door until she heard Precis traipsing down the hallway, stomping her feet and humming some sort of folk song. Right when Precis reached the workshop door, Rena made her move.

"Isn't this delicious?" she said as she smashed the plate of Yuki's Habanero Pepper Jam into Precis's face. "Taste it! Yum, yum!"

"Mmmmmf!" Precis said.

"Like it? Your face is turning red. Oh, if only you could see yourself. Poor thing, standing between me and Ashton."

"Mmmff-mmff?" Precis's eyes went wide.

"Surprised you can even breathe in there," said Rena, "but I'll fix that shortly."

Rena pulled the plate away from Precis's head, and Precis collapsed to her knees, heaving, too weak to do anything.

"Powerful stuff," said Rena. "This is more powerful, though."

Rena flipped a switch on the side of the buzz saw. She flashed an evil grin as the machine spun to life.

XXX

"Sorry to hear about the accident," Rena said to Ashton, who could barely hear her over the swarm of tears flooding down his cheeks and onto her shoulder. "I'll be here for you, you know. Whatever you need from me."

"T-thanks, Rena," said Ashton. "I d-don't know what I-I'd do without y-you, now."

"I bought you a new barrel to try to comfort you," said Rena. "13th era Cross, made of oak. Used to be a brandy barrel, if I'm not mistaken."

"T-those were limited edition," said Ashton. "T-thank you."

"You know, Ashton," said Rena, "this is not really a time for you to be alone, trying to tough everything out by yourself. I know you don't really have any friends, so I'd like to stay with you. I'd like to make you feel better."

"Y-you'd do that? F-for me?"

"Just sign here."


	5. A Rose is a Rose

Chapter 5 – A Rose is a Rose

Several pages of notebook paper sat on the nightstand in Rena's hotel room, and a few crumpled sheets littered the floor. Rena directed her attention and her pen at one in particular. That page had, at its top, the words _Bowman Jean_ scribbled in dark ink. Below those words were a plan.

Rena had put the plan to paper in the form of a flowchart. The first box in the chart contained text to the effect of, "Talk to Nineh." Branching out from the bottom of the box were lines connecting it to other boxes, each line labeled with a possible outcome of a conversation with Nineh Jean. The connected boxes contained potential further steps in the plan.

Rena wanted to leave nothing to chance. To that end, she wanted every contingency mapped out, just in case something went wrong. Wooing Bowman would be more difficult than any of her previous seductions, and she figured she would not get a second chance if something went wrong. Worse, she figured Nineh might cause her serious physical harm if something went wrong. Only Rena's steadfast dedication to her future harem kept her from quitting the nearly insurmountable task of winning over a married man, polygamy laws or no.

Unfortunately, Rena found the task of mapping out her conquest to be both more nuanced and more overwhelming than she had anticipated. Each time she filled a box with a set of instructions for herself, she had to exhaust all possible connections between that box and the others below it; that is, she had to make sure she knew what _could_ happen given any action she chose, and that could be problematic. Even worse, she often found all too many possible pathways leading to the Failure Box, an ugly red shape she put in the upper corner of the page to represent what would happen if she fouled up irreparably. Any instructional box with a likely path leading to the Failure Box could be crossed out; Rena's task was to find a path leading from her starting box to the end of her flowchart without passing through a box connected to the failure box.

As if that were not difficult enough, Rena found that the number of possible results for each action she took blew up more quickly than she thought it might. She estimated six possible outcomes of her conversation with Nineh, and each of those led to new scenarios with at least three outcomes each, and so on. Each branch early on would turn into more and more possibilities several steps down the line.

As Rena had not considered the difficulties inherent in draw a flowchart with a growth rate like the one hers had, she found herself angrily heaving plenty of balls of crumpled paper in the general direction of the wastebasket, the walls, the door (when that stupid room service lady came knocking and bugged her about cleaning and putting a mint under her pillow and asking her to keep the swearing to a minimum as it was bothering other guests and other minor issues Rena didn't want to deal with), and whatever else caught her attention long enough to annoy her.

After a few hours of working in that manner, Rena finally broke into the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of vodka, drank herself stupid, and decided to just wing it.

XXX

When Bowman Jean occupied himself elsewhere, Nineh Jean stayed behind to run the Linga Pharmacy. Today was such a day, and Rena smiled a big, goofy smile as she greeted her rival for the first time in a while. Nineh bade her sit down and have some pleasant small talk over a cup of coffee. Their conversation stayed in the realm of mundane matters (such as the latest celebrity scandals, daytime soap opera plot twists, and which popular musicians had experienced wardrobe malfunctions in the past month) for a while, but Rena knew she had a job to do.

"Nineh," said Rena. "I'd like to ask you something personal. Girl to girl."

"Sure," said Nineh. "Anything you like. We're like family, remember?"

"Well," said Rena, "I can't help but notice that you and Bowman don't always see eye to eye on everything."

Nineh paused to take a sip of her coffee before she said replied. "You are astute."

"So it's true?" said Rena. "I'm a little bit of an expert on love, I think, and I thought I noticed you two having problems."

"He's such a child," said Nineh. "He thinks he runs everything, but he lets me bully him into anything. There are plenty of couples out there where the woman wears the pants, but in this marriage, I wear the coat, tie, and slacks, as well. Bowman just isn't tough enough to keep up with me."

Rena had only speculated as much, but hearing her suspicions confirmed pleased her, so she went in for the kill. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe you two weren't destined to be eternally exclusive?"

"You know, I've thought about that," said Nineh. "Not often, but the thought has occurred to me. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't make a mistake in taking him in."

"With all his infidelities?"

"Tell me about it!" Nineh scowled. "The guy can't keep his eyes off other women when I'm not around to stop him. He's just like a teenager. I hear reports, and I knock plenty of sense into him when he's home, but, well, I don't think he's happy with just me. I don't know. Maybe he puts up with my domineering attitude _because_ I haven't abandoned him even when he flirts with other women."

"You know," said Rena, "there is that new polygamy law. You don't have to tame him alone anymore."

Nineh stopped drinking entirely. She stared directly at Rena for a full fifteen seconds, lost in thought, before saying, "That's an interesting way to put things."

"Hey," said Rena, "I'm just like family. I'm here to help. To give you new ideas. New perspectives. Help you live like a liberated young person."

"I'll think over what you said," said Nineh. "Thanks a lot, Rena. I mean it."

Rena smiled her dark, evil smile. "You're quite welcome."

XXX

A week later, Bowman Jean and Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors sat together at a moonlit outdoor café, sharing a sundae and generally having a good time. At least, Rena had a good time. She couldn't help but notice that Bowman seemed a little distracted.

"Bowman, dear," she said, "is there something wrong?"

"Not really," said Bowman.

"You sure?" said Rena. "You just don't seem your usual bouncy self tonight. Normally, you love being with me."

"Busy day at work," said Bowman. "That kind of thing. Nothing to trouble yourself over."

"That's good," said Rena. "You'll get better. Still, I was hoping I could cheer you up."

"You're always so delightful," said Bowman. The two reached for the sundae at the same time, and their hands brushed against each other. Bowman pulled his away and blushed.

Rena giggled. "I'm always here for you. I want you to know that. In fact, I always suspected you liked me a bit more than you let on, too."

"You did, did you?" said Bowman. He looked slightly surprised by Rena's question.

"Yep," said Rena. "And with the new polygamy laws and all…"

"You know?" Bowman interrupted. "You know?"

"Yes," said Rena, perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "I know. I know all about you and…"

"You know that Nineh got remarried?"

That was not what Rena thought she knew. "She _what_?"

"She found out about the new laws permitting people to marry multiple times, and the next thing I knew, I was demoted to Husband #2."

"And this is what has you so dejected?"

"At first, I didn't mind," said Bowman. "#2 isn't so bad, really. But then, I found a note on my pillow saying that I was #3. Then #4. Then #5. When will it end?"

Rena's eyes widened. "Wow. That's… Wow."

"And now I have no status, and since she still keeps me around, I still have to do laundry and she still beats me if I flirt with anyone else and I just feel so bad!"

Rena extended her arm and took Bowman's hand in hers. She looked directly into his eyes. "Did you ever consider that you could do the same thing back to her?"

"She'll beat me!" said Bowman.

"No, I won't let her," said Rena.

"But where will I find a willing woman? Where will I find someone who won't mind that I'm already #5?"

Rena gave her most seductive grin. "Right here."


	6. Four Feet

Chapter 6 – Everybody Loves You When You're Four Feet Above the Ground

Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors-Jean met Leon D. S. Geeste in the main square of Lacour, eager to show the kid a good time around town. Just for good measure, she brought along plenty of bribery materials: a balloon shaped like a cat, a homebaked apple pie, a music box that played some of Leon's favorite tunes, and a bottle of carrot juice. Rena felt like a walking arsenal of love.

But to her surprise, Leon popped the question first. "Remember when I confessed my love for you at Fun City?"

Rena nodded.

"Well, I still love you. Wanna get hitched?"

"Yes!" Rena nearly jumped in the air. "I do!"

"Great," said Leon. He pulled a stack of papers from his backpack. "Just sign here."

Rena scribbled her name down so fast she nearly set the paper on fire.

"Thanks so much, my love," said Leon. "Now, I'll just run off to file this, and then I can introduce you to the others."

"The others/"

"My other wives."

_Other wives? The kid already has a harem? He… beat me to the idea?_

"I, uh, well," Rena stammered. "At least you know what you're getting into."


	7. Better Loving Through Chemistry

1Chapter 7 – Better Loving Through Chemistry

Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors-Jean-Geeste couldn't help but steam as she pored over her legal marriage documents. Despite her best efforts to read everything through the first time, she still found herself with an absurdly long last name, probably because she missed checking off a box somewhere or other. What was worse was now that she had taken the names of her first seven husbands, if she declined to add on to the string when she snared her final three, she would upset the new additions. The last thing she wanted on her already messy marital history was a rash of divorces.

Resigned to her fate, Rena finally put the documents away, finished filling out her application for a new First Bank of Cross Golden Era Extra Length Checkbook – for customers who aren't satisfied with just one spouse but who still want to fit their signatures onto a single check, and pondered which last name would look best after Geeste.

Her conclusion? Jules.

XXX

_When did I fall in love with Celine in the first place?_ Rena wondered to herself. _I'm pretty sure I hardly even noticed her for most of the journey. Did her overwhelming beauty and charm just somehow elude me for so long?_

Rena paced about her room at the Cross inn. Her obsession with when she first knew she and Celine belonged together interfered with her attempt to draw up a plan to snare her. As a result, she couldn't come up with a satisfactory solution to either problem.

_Was it her outfit? How did she get away with wearing that, anyway? I tried dressing like that for Claude once and he only laughed at me. Why does it look so good on Celine, then? Am I... goofy-looking?_

_It can't be that. I'm gorgeous. Look how many husbands I have! C'mon, Rena. You know you're pretty._

Rena stared into the mirror on the wall, put her hand to her hip, leaned to one side, and growled seductively. She then held her face in one of her palms and attempted to look as cute as she could. To finish off her display, she blew her reflection a kiss and fluttered her eyelashes.

_Yeah, I still got it. What man could resist me? I am the great Rena Lanford-Tax-Flac-Kenni-Raviede-Anchors-Jean-Geeste, Romance Goddess! But until Celine, I only fell for men. Why her? When did it happen? Haven't I asked myself that a dozen times already?_

_Maybe I should walk through from the beginning and see if anything won me over. Let's see, I still didn't notice her in Mars. I only had eyes for Dias during the Lacour Tournament. I went head over heels for Claude when we got to El Continent. Was it somewhere on Energy Nede? There was the Synard Research Center, the Four Fields... and Fun City! It was Fun City!_

_Why Fun City, though? I remember confessing my love for her there, and I also remember Claude taking me off to that back room for some, uh, quality time. Quality kissing time, that is! Oh, Rena, you devil!_

_Where was I? Fun City, yes. My confession of love. That was when Celine wore that fancy new perfume. What was it called, again? I think it was Aphrodisiac. Funny name. I think that was what won me over, though. Her lovely perfume, the scent of which will flow through my heart for all time. Ah, young love!_

_Wait, Aphrodisiac? Isn't that some sort of love potion? Yes, it is, and that's my solution! I can make Celine love me with a love potion. Wow! Better loving through chemistry. Just an old-fashioned love potion._

XXX

Celine's grand dining hall sparkled under the blood, sweat, tears, and pinesol of the horde of servants it took to prepare the place for Rena's sudden arrival. Celine herself seemed to be competing with the interior decorating, wearing enough freshly polished pearls around her neck to shine nearly as much as the floor. She wore her good outfit, which is to say that she wore her usual skimpy dress and sparkly hat. She spoke with the authority of a woman who knew she was all-powerful and answered to no one, which was more or less how she acted before becoming queen.

"Oh, Rena, darling, you look absolutely marvelous," Celine said. "Really, you're just ravishing in that dress. Wherever did you get it?"

"I made it myself," Rena lied. "I've become quite handy in recent months."

"Magnificent, darling," said Celine. "I must have the recipe."

"Recipe?"

"My mind is on dinner already. Shall we hop to it?"

"Aren't you going to show me around?" Rena winked. "A poor country girl like me deserves a grand tour, doesn't she?"

"Anything for you," said Celine.

"Terrific!" Rena yelped as she dashed up past the table to where Celine stood. In transit, she slipped a small capsule from her sleeve into Celine's drink, disguising the motion by pretending she was only interested in offering Celine her hand. She latched onto Celine like a parasitic mountain monkey of the planet Nike V (the first planet to be terraformed for the express purpose of turning the place into a giant billboard), absentmindedly pecking her cheek with a the sort of friendly kiss she normally reserved for Leon. Then, her stomach began to growl.

"You know what, Celine?" she said. "I'm hungry. Forget the tour for now. Let's eat."

"That my kind of woman," said Celine. "Ah, the joys of food! Is there anything better than roast astroduck with a side of space pork rinds? I don't think so. And for dessert? Baby rabbit risotto!"

"It all looks so tempting," said Rena as she took her seat. "Let's have a toast. To us! To dinner!"

Rena and Celine raised their goblets and downed the evening's first serving of wine. Afterward, Celine broke into the biggest, dumbest smile Rena had ever seen.

"Rena," she slurred, "I don't know if this is the booze talking, but I'm certainly glad you came over tonight."

"Why, thank you," said Rena.

"I don't think you understand," said Celine. "I mean, I'm really, really thankful. I'm so glad you're here. Man, I didn't know I could get this drunk on nonalcoholic wine. Was it nonalcoholic? I forget. I don't think I told the chef how old you are. Anyway, I need to tell you that I think you're special."

"I think you're special, too, Celine," Rena nearly cackled.

"So special that I love you," said Celine. "In fact, I know it's legal now, so let's get married."

Rena pulled a stack of papers out from her pocket and shouted for joy. "Sure thing! Hey, just sign here."


End file.
